Ups and Downs

Well, the rollercoaster continues... This morning, we took a HUGE step forward and made a mostly-successful trip to Target to pick up a few things! I very nearly turned the car around and drove home, since Nikos was crying, but he calmed down as soon as I got him into his stroller. Then he was very quiet and alert as we walked through the store-- it was so cute! That lasted for about ten minutes, and then he started to fall apart. First quietly, then loudly. As I headed toward the checkout lanes, I (of course) ran into the parents of one of my current students who (of course) wanted to see the baby. I managed to make small talk for a minute or two, but really I just wanted to burst into tears and run for the exit. I really, REALLY get upset when he cries. But we made it. I checked out, and he calmed down once we got going in the car. So, all in all, it was a successful expedition. But not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination.

Anyway... I was feeling somewhat more confident/competent after our morning Target trip, but I think I jinxed myself. This afternoon sucked, and we both spent a lot of time crying. Why was I crying? I don't really know... Sometimes I cry because I worry that I'm not doing things right, or that he's not eating enough, or that he's somehow in pain. Other times I cry because I just wish my life would go back to normal, and THEN I cry because I feel guilty for wishing that, because I do love this baby more than I ever thought I could love someone. Ugh. It just sucks. Everything I've read says these feelings are normal, and due to the sudden drop in hormone levels after having a baby, but I'm just super emotional right now. Some days (like today) are definitely worse than others. I really, REALLY hope this all passes soon...