We came home yesterday afternoon, which definitely falls under the category of "mixed blessings." While it felt really good to be home, and was reassuring to know that we were all healthy and well, it was absolutely terrifying to realize that it's just us now. The past day has been a real rollercoaster of emotions, especially for me. It's been hard to stop crying. I can't even describe how frustrating breastfeeding has been... We were lucky enough to meet with the lactation nurse at the hospital a number of times before we were discharged, and that made a HUGE difference. But now that we're home, it's just... different. (Maybe this is TMI, but I am beyond caring at this point.) When we were in the hospital, my body was producing nothing. Not a single drop of milk. I guess this sometimes happens with c-sections-- it takes a little longer for the message to get to my brain. The lactation nurse had us supplementing Nikos with formula through a small tube attached to a syringe while he was latched onto me. The idea behind this was that he'd get to practice breastfeeding and learn to associate me with food. Meanwhile, I had to use a breastpump every three hours, to encourage my milk supply to come in. It felt so good to be proactive-- I really felt like I was doing something about the problem. And last night, when we were home, milk started to actually come out when I pumped!! This morning, it was even more, and I was able to pump almost 2 ounces! I thought for sure that this would be enough, and that we'd be done with the whole formula thing (which I never wanted to use in the first place). But no. Even when I gave him the two ounces, he still continued to scream and cry and act hungry. I breastfed him, and I KNOW that he was getting milk (because I could hear swallowing noises), but it still wasn't enough. Nothing I do is enough, it seems!!! So we ended up giving him formula, and he was happy. But I feel like a total failure. And I know it's not totally rational, but it's true. And it's depressing.
Anyway... we survived the first night at home, though I don't think we slept for more than a few hours, total. The good news is that it can only get better from here...
2 comments:
Yay for being at home! And I'm sorry the breastfeeding is so rough. Believe me, I know how easy it is to be really hard on yourself, but it sounds like you're doing a great job. You and Nikos are just getting to know one another and it probably will be very up and down in the beginning. You're listening to him and trying to give him what he needs and that's the most important thing.
It will get better, I promise. Feel free to email or call at anytime if you want to commiserate about breastfeeding (or anything else).
yeah.... tmi, but that's okay. i had a dream i was pregnant. thanks a lot briar. i wanna get me one of those babies too now!
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